Letters to Cam
by lucianolover
Summary: In the wake of Degrassi's latest tragedy many students are left broken. Some more than others. A select group of students hit the hardest decide to pour their heart's out on paper.
1. Zig Novak

Zig Novak sits at his desk during study hall. It had been a week since the events that had rocked Degrassi to it's core. He bit the end of his pen and looked at the clock. The second hand seemed to be moving at an agonizingly slow pace, just like it had the day before and the day before that and so on for the past week. Cam was dead. The words echo in Zig's head. Sure he hadn't been friends with the guy, but that didn't mean he didn't feel something about his death. With that thought, Zig pulls out a clean sheet of notebook paper and begins to write.

_Cam-_

_I regret everything I did wrong. I should have just let you have Maya and be happy. Instead I thought I deserved her so I tried to take her from you. If I had known that you were spiraling down a deep dark chasm I would have waited around for her to come to me. _

_Ever since word had spread of your death I replayed our last conversation over and over. You were so smug and seemingly happy that Maya had forgiven you. I became green with jealousy. I wanted Maya all to myself and so I said the words that I thought were true. How was I to know that you would take my words to heart? How was I to know that my words would kill? I am guilty of everything from your pain down to your suicide. All you ever wanted was to find something at Degrassi worth living for._

_Maya was your something, wasn't she?_

_Geez Cam I am at a loss as to what to do. I can't go on feeling like this, but wishing that my past actions could be changed can't bring you back. You are gone forever. What can I do Cam? What can I do? _

_I promise that from now on I will look after Maya. She is denying that your death has hurt her. She is just angry at you. She is still trying to process your death. Don't worry, me looking after her doesn't include dating her. I couldn't do that to her, let alone you. I caused you so much pain in life, why would I continue to do so after your death. I am not the awful guy that everyone seems to think I am. I do have a heart, one which is now beyond repair. _

_I will never again tell someone that their girlfriend is better off without them. I know now that words slay happiness and life worse than a knife. _

_I really wish we could have been friends. I think maybe we could have if certain things had never transpired._

_-Zig_


	2. Mike Dallas

The sounds of hockey practice winding down surrounds Mike Dallas as he sits in the team box. He didn't have the heart to play, not today, not ever. As captain of the team he should have been the one to have seen the signs. Cam Saunders, their most valuable asset, had committed suicide all because he didn't feel happy anymore. Dallas can't help thinking that hockey is to blame.

With a blow of the whistle coach signals the end of practice. All the guys file out of the rink past Dallas. Some of them look at him, others look away. Coach is the only one who stops to talk.

"You have to start being captain again sometime." he says placing a comforting hand on Dallas' shoulder.

"How can I? I'm not the right guy for the job. I failed him." Dallas says trying to hold back the tears that threaten to fall.

"You'll find your strength again soon. I'm sure of it." coach says with a smile before leaving.

Later that night while Dallas is attempting to do his math homework, his mind keeps wandering back to Cam. Cam had been his responsibility. Grabbing up his pencil Dallas begins to write.

_Bro-_

_I can't believe that you would do that to yourself. I knew you were feeling alone and lost, but never in a million years did I think it would be that bad. I thought that it was the away from home blues. I know what that's like, believe me I do. We were the only ones on the team that were away from home. I should have been more of a friend to you. I was there but, I wasn't._

_When I found out you were dead, I got so angry. Not at you, no never at you. I was angry at myself. The day before you had been crying and saying you didn't want hockey anymore. I just yelled at you and told you to man up. I should have stopped and figured out what had made you feel so bad you had to cry. I can be such a dick sometimes. I just shrugged your crying off as you being a pansy who's feelings had been hurt._

_However, it was more than that, wasn't it?_

_I hate that I let my ideals of how boys should act get in the way of me seeing the pain engraved deep in your eyes. I failed you, it's as simple as that. I can go on and on about making excuses for my behavior, but the simple fact is I DIDN'T LISTEN! You sought me out and tried to tell me that Hockey was too much pressure for you, but I didn't listen. I thought that if I tried I could make you happy with hockey again._

_Nothing could make you happy though could it? You were sick and in desperate need of an intervention. Looking back now I see all the signs. I really wish I could go back and change things. I know that you weren't always upset. When we first came to Degrassi you were a little unsure about it, but you were happy. I remember the time I caught you playing indoor hockey and then cheering for yourself after you made a goal. I try to keep that in my mind as time goes on. I should try to remember the happy times, especially since they became less and less the longer we stayed here._

_When you got together with that music geek, Maya, I thought that things were getting better. You seemed happy. I thought that your earlier confession of loneliness had been resolved. Now I know that it's not true. You tried so desperately to feel better, because everyone, me included, told you that time would make it better._

_Oh Cam! Why didn't you beg me to listen to you? You know that me telling you to man up was not because I thought you were weak. It was because I wanted you to fit in, not be the laughing stock of the whole school. I felt like you were my little brother, yet I didn't look after like I should have. You've gotta believe me that I never meant to hurt you in any way. I cared too much about you to do that._

_If only I hadn't believed that hockey was our ticket to the big time. If only I had listened when you tried to tell me you were hurting. If only, If only. The if onlys are all I have left now. Hope that you have finally found the peace you couldn't find in life._

_Your captain and brother_

_-Dallas_

**Author's Note: I plan on writing letters from others at Degrassi. Those include but aren't limited to Mr. Simpson, Eli, and Maya. Hope you have enjoyed the story so far.**


	3. Mr Simpson

Over the last week Mr. Simpson had had to deal with the tragedy. He had focused all his attention on his students, not even taking time to reflect on what he felt about the situation. When he started teaching all those years ago, he never imagined that he would ever lose a student. However, last week he had lost the second one, the first had been JT Yorke almost 6 years ago. Simpson thought about who it had been. With an hour or so before his next meeting, Simpson pulls up a word document on his computer.

**Dear Campbell,**

**How could you think that no one at this school cared enough about you to miss you when you're gone? I see the negative repercussions everywhere I look. It seems that not a single student went unaffected by your actions. I have never known someone to kill themselves before. The fact that you were my student and I missed the warning signs makes it that much worse.**

**I knew that when you came here you were leaving your entire family behind in order to play hockey. I should have taken you under my wing and made sure that you succeeded and remained happy here at Degrassi. As your principal it was my duty to keep you safe. I failed you in so many ways. I wasn't there for you the way I should have. **

**When you came into my office the day before you death, due to picking a fight with another student, I should have asked you what was going on. I just assumed that you had spun out of control because you were just another problem student. Instead of just shrugging off ****_my_**** actions as following policy I should have taken you aside. If I had would you still be alive today? Or would it have been too little too late?**

**I see your friends around the school and I wonder if you can see them too. Are you looking down on them from whereever you are now? Do you realize just how much pain you have caused? Mike Dallas is no longer playing hockey. He can't even get up enough strength to pay attention in class. Teachers have voiced to me their concerns for him. They seem to think that he is going to crack and end up just another statistic, like you. I pray every day that I will have the strength to see all the students through their pain.**

**You may not know him, but a few years ago our school lost another student suddenly. His name was JT Yorke, you may have seen the memorial to him at our school. His death was just as sudden and as unexpected as yours , but unlike you he had no control over it. The results of both have been the same. JT's best friend and ex-girlfriend acted as though nothing had happened, Maya is doing the same. I hear many students comment that Maya is being so rude and disrespectful to your memory because she is not crying. She is angry. It's as simple as that. She can't figure out why you would do something so terrible to yourself. Maya's sister, Katie, tells me that Maya doesn't understand why you didn't try to talk to her about your pain. **

**I am thinking the same thing. Why didn't you come to me, your principal to talk about how you felt? I would have listened. I would have tried to help. I never want any of my students to feel as though there is no other way out except death. Death never answers any questions or problems it just leaves more. I will try my best to look after those you left behind. I feel like I owe it to you, the student I let fall through the cracks. There is nothing I want more than to ensure no more students get to the point where taking their life is the only solution they can find.**

**As bad as this sounds Campbell, I am thankful that your tragedy happened because now we know what to look out for. We all miss you and we always will. Campbell you touched so many more lives than you could ever know. You touched my life and I barely knew you; not as well as I would have liked.**

**The hardest thing for me was telling your mom that we failed you. That you had died because no one had noticed enough to try and help you. I have never felt more powerless in all my life. I will never forget you for as long as I live.**

**Your principal,**

**Mr. Simpson**

****Simpson closes done his word document. He feels emotionally drained. Campbell Saunders, the shy quiet hockey player had caused a bigger impact than he ever could have guessed. So many students now walked the school in a sort of daze. No one knew how best to handle the situation. After having written his letter, Simpson realizes that he is one of the many who doesn't know what to do.


	4. Eli Goldsworthy

In the stillness of the night, Eli lays awake. He wonders about the events of the day. Then he realizes he's not quite sure what happened. His brain is muddled and cloudy. With a smile and a chuckle Eli tells himself, "Pot will do that to you." With a stark realization, Eli realizes that the high is fading fast. Reaching over to his desk, from his position on his floor, Eli grabs for the joints that should be there. Not finding them, he crawls up to a more upright position and looks over the surface of his desk. He begins to throw things around, getting more desperate the longer he searches. After some time he gives up, and collapses back on his floor.

Ever since that day, the day he found the body, he had been searching for a way to forget. His friend, Jake had helped him with that. Well, actually Jake had merely given him half of his pot supply and told him that smoking the stuff would make his mind as free as a bird. Once they had both gotten high that day, they sat down to talk about the tragedy. Jake had chuckled, from being high, and questioned whether or not his greenhouse was now haunted. Eli remembered that he had made the offhand comment, "No, I am". Tonight laying on his floor, his mind becoming more and more clear the more time passes, he realizes just how right he was that first night.

Eli's mind becoming clearer brings back the images he has been working so hard to suppress. The dead body in the greenhouse. As the images become clearer and clearer, Eli feels the urge to vomit. He gets up from his floor and runs to the bathroom. Just in time too, because all of a sudden his dinner comes right back up. Cleaning himself up, Eli walks back to his room. He sits at his desk and begins to do what he does best to cope: writing.

_Dear Cam,_

_I didn't really know you. I was just destined to find your body. All these people in school are broken up over your death. I'm just broken. You can't un-see what I've seen._

_No matter how hard I try I can't get that image out of my head. It's like Julia's death all over again. When she died a few years ago I couldn't stop thinking about it. She was one of the most important people in my life. After she died I felt my life spiral out of control. Is that how you felt? Did you feel like nothing in life would ever make you happy again?_

_I wish I had known you. If I had then maybe I could have prevented it. I know you have heard this a lot, but it DOES get better. I am proof of that. I may still have moments of sadness and doubt, but I have people there to help me through. Did you feel as though you had no one to turn to? I wish you could have known me and my person, Clare._

_From the sound of it you had yourself a Clare, but I've heard you didn't tell her things. You don't know this but, Clare saved my life. When I first moved to Degrassi I was lost and confused. I met Clare and things really started to get better. However, my emotions soon spun out of my control again. My actions started to scare Clare and she backed away. I seriously went crazy and wrecked my car. After that Clare knew that I needed help, so she helped me. I probably would have ended up like you if not for her._

_I know what it's like to feel like you have no one, it sucks. I wish you could have found you something to numb the pain with. I don't mean drugs, though I have found that pot does wonders for that. I mean something like an extracurricular activity. Personally, theatre is my drug. When things get really bad I immerse myself in writing or directing._

_Even though I didn't know you, I still feel like I failed you. Maybe I can use that feeling to help someone else. First I need to get my head on straight because I'm not a help to anyone. Not even myself._

_Rest in peace man_

_-Eli Goldsworthy_

Upon finishing up the letter, Eli rubs his hand across his face. He feels drained of all emotion. Knowing that it's probably best that he get some sleep, Eli plops down on his bed. He is asleep within seconds.


	5. Maya Matlin

Maya stormed into the house ahead of her sister. They had just returned from Little Miss Steaks, but it is obvious that Maya isn't happy about that. Katie hollers at Maya trying to get her to stop.

"Maya! Would you just stop and listen to me? That guy was going to use you. I was only looking out for you." Katie shuts the front door behind her.

"I don't need protection! I'm tired of everyone thinking they need to look after me because Cam died!" Maya gets angrier than she has been.

"Cam didn't just die Maya! He killed himself." Katie looks concernedly at Maya.

"I KNOW! Just stop trying to protect me! I am FINE!" Maya screams and then slams her bedroom door shut.

Maya collapses on her bed. She is now fighting back tears. Curling up into a ball, Maya wills her mind to forget about Cam's death. She didn't have time to break down like a stupid girl. She was better than that. Maya pulls out her lyrics notebook and turns to a clean sheet of paper and thinks, to herself, maybe writing him a letter will help.

_**Dear Cam,**_

_**I am so angry. You were hurting and you didn't even tell me. I was your girlfriend and I didn't even know. If you really loved me you would have thought about me before committing suicide. What you did is so selfish! You think that you are the only one who has pain?**_

_**When you died everyone expected me to break down and cry. I'm not some girly girl. I can handle my emotions, but I'm not even sad like they think I should be. Like I said, I am angry! I really loved you and I thought you loved me too. However, you decided to end your life without even talking to me first. Did you really think that no one would care if you were gone? Did I really mean that little to you?**_

_**The longer I think on what you did, I realize that while I am angry at you I also miss you so much. At least once a day I play that message you left me the morning before. I want to believe that you were truly happy in that video even though I now know that you aren't. I still don't know how you could appear to be so happy on the outside and yet so low on the inside. Are there signs that I missed? Could I have helped you if I had listened to you a little better?**_

_**What made you feel so low that you would want to end it all? Could spending more time at your home have helped keep you happy? If I had done less with the band and more with you would you still have done it? Did hockey do this to you?**_

_**Looking back on it you falling from the second floor was a cry for help. I didn't see it at the time because you swore that it wasn't on purpose. You told me that you weren't some loser who tried to hurt himself, but you were weren't you? Why didn't I question you more? I could have got you help and you would still be here with me.**_

_**Everyone acts so weird around me now. It's like I'm the girl with the contagious disease. It's like people think that if they get too close to me their girlfriend/boyfriend will commit suicide too. I can't go anywhere without people looking at me. I am no longer the invisible girl that I enjoyed being so much. I try to immerse myself in my music, but people feel like that is wrong. If making myself feel great is wrong then what is right?**_

_**Cam I'm so angry, frustrated, sad, and tired. I don't really know how to deal with my emotions. I tell everyone that I am fine, but I'm not am I? When will I feel normal again? I want so bad for these confusing feelings to go away. I usually would play music to forget, but that doesn't even work any more. I play and play and play, but the pain just gets worse.**_

_**I hope you are happy with your decision because I sure am not. I miss you to pieces Cam. You're the first person I was close to who died. Hopefully, someday soon I can forgive you for what you did. Until then I will just stay angry. How could you not have known how much I would miss you? I just don't get it.**_

_**Love,**_

_**Maya**_

Maya closes her notebook and wipes the small tear that had managed to escape. Turning off her lamp and grabbing Hoot into her arms, Maya gets into bed and tries to sleep.


End file.
